The director, feeling this need to make a 3D effects movie, said to his assistant, "something is bugging me." We got the technology working, the 3D is looking good, but something's missing."

The assistant looks at the director with apprehension. "A script," he quietly suggests.

"That's why I hired you!" exhaults the director, eyes brightening. "Yes, go get me a script."

So the assistant looks to see what is about to fall into the public domain.

"Hmmm, he thinks. 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington' might work, with Mr. Smith as an 8 foot alien," he thinks to himself. "'Some Like it Hot' might work," crosses his mind. But it doesn't have the "scope"he needs.

Then he remembers that a major film accidently lost its copyright due to a clerical error.

He opens his files and pulls out a small sheet of newspaper. He stares at the article, and smiles.

"Indians ... Aliens. Indians ... Aliens ... Dances with Aliens." His smile widens.

... from the book, "Dances With Blue Aliens: Avatar Dissected" by Bob Penn, coming in 2010.

I wrote about four paragraphs about how wierd it is that L.A. residents won't use umbrellas when it rains. We just run around and get wet and seem to forget that umbrellas exist. We won't take them with us if if looks like rain, we won't use them if it is raining, we just don't use umbrellas.

And after four paragraphs, I realized it wasn't working. I have done the rain thing to death. Two posts in one day on the topic is probably two to many. And the third one wasn't funny, wasn't interesting, was dull. So I deleted it.

Nothing lost, believe me.

So, I do appreciate the readership today with the postings, but the entire staff of Penn's Den have an obligation to our audience not to waste their time. Our publisher, Toe Nail Books and Napkins, demands from their blogging division only the highest standards and quality from the hundreds of publications they fund. The Penn's Den must live by the same mark of excellence as its sister publications, well regarded blogs such as The Gopher Hole, Airplane Propellers and Wheels, and Wilted Salad Recipes.

No more weather posts.

Except this thought.

It's really cold out!

I mean, not just Southern California cold, but even Central California Cold!!!

I tried to go out jogging and I am NOT KIDDING, my nuts actually froze off!

A little background is needed. I did a conceptutual art piece where I pasted pine nuts onto gathered squirrel fur, and then pasted both onto poster paper. I called it, "Home for the Holidays." But when I went outside to go jogging I saw that the piece, taped onto my front door right below the "I Heart UPS" sticker, had many of the pine nuts dislodged. Apparently the cold weather played havok on the squirrel fur.

Anyway, it's COLD out. This internet tells me that it's 43 degrees out!

So I Googled "what happens when it's 43 degrees out," and look what I found. Facts:

1)lungs freeze at 51 degrees. Breathing colder air could be instantly fatal. There are dropped neighbors scattered on Michigan Avenue as I look out my window, apparently unaware of these consequences.
2)meat not only freezes at 43 degrees, but for reasons not understood, can NEVER be thawed out. All attempts to thaw meat frozen at this temperature actually deepen the freeze until absolute zero is reached and the meat shatters into its molecules. You can salvage this, however, by sprinking sugar on the molecules and selling them as Ice Cream of the Future, perhaps recouping the loss of the purchase of the meat.
3)it is impossible to listen to music on an iPod in 43 degree weather. The music becomes "sludgy" taking on a tone not unlike a badly mixed stereo recording from the 1960s. Lyrics become distorted or changed. An example:

While listening to MacArthur Park, the opus by Richard Harris, in 43 degree weather, the brillance of the lyrics were reduced to unintended meanings. Here is a transcription of what I heard, as best I could interpret through the frigid cold and that odd "sludgy" sound:

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down...
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!

Needless to say, it ruined my memory of perhaps the greatest song recorded during the rock era.

So, Angelenos, stay indoors until the temperature rises and breaks us from the icy prison. I will blog as long as possible, as long as the electricity stays on and my fingers are able to strike the keyboard. As lhoje , wohifo, wohofo wofwfimwf oh no jofjoowowrj w wjorjw  wjr no!!! ojofoiojfe gaaaaaa aggghh  owrworjworjwor

Note: for those experienced umbrella users (from the east Coast), something seems wrong with this depiction.

Southern Californians, take a look at the image above. Take a hard, long look. I know it's difficult. I know you're scared. I am, too. But look anyway. Try.

This object ... this device ... this thing ...  is called an umbrella.

It's used to prevent you from getting wet. Now let me explain, since I realize that this is a bit vague.

You would NOT use it in the shower, even though you DO get wet there. And you wouldn't use it in your swimming pool, where the goal IS to get wet.

You would use it to prevent getting wet from that elusive event we call "rain."

I can see by your confused gaze that I am not explaining this well. My fault. It is hard to understand why you use a tool to prevent something which so rarely exists.

So let me step back.

Rain is a natural event, many believe, in which water, not unlike that which comes from Arrowhead bottles, falls from above and strikes the ground.

The source of that falling water is not fully understood, though through the centuries theories have emerged.

Some believe that rain results when you fail to keep your swimming pool filled to a proper level. The atmosphere senses this imbalance and corrects it by pouring water into your pool.

While this seems plausible, it seems as though it should rain more often than it does for it to be true. There are so many pools in Southern California, and some of them must be underfilled on any given day. I don't know. Part of me just can't accept this theory.

Another theory as to why it rains is simply that it's always raining all of the time, but that most of the time you can't see it happening or feel it strike you. It's not understood why the rain would "show itself" when it does. Or perhaps only certain people can see the rain all of the time, and others, myself included, can only see it occasionally. This certainly explain the variability of weather forecasting on television.

Most though in Southern California, believe that rainfall is simply a myth, a collected memory of ancient origin distorted over time through endless retelling.

I fall into that group.

But today, to my amazement, myth became reality.

What is the defense against this aerial attack? Is there no way to combat the devastation it rains (no pun intended) upon the innocent?

There is the umbrella. That's the cartoon image I placed at the beginning of this post (I dared not place an actual image of an umbrella for fear of reaction).

But what am I trying to say? I would tell you, but I would prefer my more critical persona discuss the non-use of umbrellas in Southern California.

And since the tonal change would be odd within this post, I will artificially end this post now and turn it over to a "guest" commentator who isn't afraid to say just what's on his mind.

See you in the next post ... coming soon ...

I live in Southern California for one reason and one reason only. No, it isn't the proximity and easy access to movie stars, though this is a nice perk we all enjoy. And no, it's not the ability to read and text without harm while "driving" for an hour at 5 mph on our state-of-the-art freeway system.

Those are great perks, and almost reason enough to call the Southland (our cute name for this rest stop between San Francisco and San Diego) home. But it's not the clincher.

I am sure that my voice would be echoed by 20 milllion sun tanned Angelenos when we all sound off in unison that the reason we live here, continue to live here, and will always live here is that it NEVER RAINS!

Never. Never ever. Not once in a while. Not once in a blue moon (which due to our cloudless skies, we can see EVERY night!). Nope. It NEVER rains here. It doesn't even get cloudy.  If there is even a cloud in the sky, the media goes on a meterological Amber Alert: "someone took the Sun! Find it and return it safely".

So I, like my fellow Southlanders, are befuddled today.

IT'S RAINING!

And they say it will continue all week!

All week! I am NOT kidding, though I wish I were! I wish to God I were!

All week.

I wish I were dead.

In a sense, I am dead. Without the sun, there is no reason to live.

The things I can't do.

Go outside. Without getting wet, or, AS BAD, COLD! That's right. Cold. It's 50 degrees here and it's also raining. A deadly one/two punch.

I can't walk my dog. He'll get wet, as I don't have a doggie umbrella for him. I can't subject him to that. I just can't.

And I can't lay out in the sun and relax. THERE IS NO SUN!

I am going to use my 1st curse ever on this blog. Children, close the browser window now.

WTF!!!

Pray for us. Keep your eyes on the sky, and hope for miracle.

Update on Monday, December 7, 2009 at 8:53AM by Bob Penn

Coming next: Southern California's fear of umbrellas.

It's been forever since I posted my last entry. The response was quite positive to the doggie park expose, so much so that I felt overwhelmed to match it in whatever quality it may have exhibited.

But apparently I am not capable of reproducing its meager success. Lightning apparently will only appear once.

So I move forward with little to say, and hope that as I type that something will emerge.

So what's been going on during November?

Lots of furniture buying. Shower curtain buying. New 27" iMac buying. Lots and lots and lots of buying.

I am broke. At least until the next paycheck, which, fortunately is Monday.

But buying furniture for a new house, and spending all this money has left me without a nest egg.

So here's my thought.

Let's make this blog a subscription blog.

Let's say, for a rough number, that you send me, oh I don't know, $100 a month to read this blog.

What will you get in return?

Well, how about access to the super secret no one knows it exists corner of this blog where I tell all, in journal form, like a personal diary? Intrieging? Not really? OK, bad idea.

How about two tickets to any event you would like, including dinner and transportation to and from the venue*

*event limited to Pasadena, CA area, limited to high school plays, dinner not limited to but only including In and Out  Burger, point of origination for transportation designated as 1084 Michigan Avenue, Pasadena or within one block thereof.

Sounds nice, doesn't it.

Or for those who love animals, one month's free unlimited pass to walk and play with a friendly 7 month old labradoodle. Lonely during these holidays, this might just be the gift you can give yourself*

Please, someone, take me for a walk!

*awardee responsible for feeling animal and returning animal in clean state. Walks must be no less than one hour in length and must be conducted twice a day.

Hurry, act now.